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Charlie #SheenRoast: Tigerblood-BBQ


– I’m done with the winning, ’cause I have already won. This roast may be over, but I’m Charlie Sheen, and in here burns an eternal fire. I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe.

Slik avslutter Charlie Sheen sitt briljante tilsvar på en tirade av usannsynlig frekke oneliners rettet mot ham under nattens #SheenRoast. (Comedy Central er så 2011 med Twitter-tag på tittelen.)

– You can’t hurt me. Hell, I can’t even hurt me. Drugs couldn’t kill me, sex couldn’t kill me, the press couldn’t kill me, even Two and a Half Men couldn’t kill me. Did you really think your little jokes was gonna hurt me?, spør han resten av grillpartyet retorisk, selv om den knarkete kroppen hans sannsynligvis er god og svett etter over en time på det glødende kullet. Det som har skjedd her i kveld, får den norske varianten av Roast til å virke som en lunken pølsegryte.

En time og tjue minutter tidligere setter roastmaster Seth MacFarlane stemningen med følgende sitat:

– On Two and a Half Men tonight, they’re apparently having a funeral for Charlie’s character. There is no need to switch over though, in a couple of months you will probably see the real thing, før han overrekker grillvottene til bokselegende Mike Tyson, «The Meanest Man in Comedy» Jeff Ross, radiofjes og skuespiller Patrice O’Neal, Last Comic Standing-finalist Amy Shumer, SNLs Jon Lovitz, Private Practices Kate Walsh, Star Treks William Shatner, komikerkomet Anthony Jeselnik og Steve O fra Jackass.

Her er de feteste grillspydene som serveres til Charlie + et par andre:

– He went from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, to having every day off (Seth MacFarlane)

– You claim to have tigerblood, but considering all the hookers you have banged, its probably Tiger Wood’s blood (Seth MacFarlane)

– He’s the reason why a dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis (Seth MacFarlane)

– How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men (Jon Lovitz)

– He’s waking up every morning at the crack of crack (Kate Walsh)

– He’s the only guy who pulls a knife to the women who wants to fuck him (Kate Walsh)

– Don’t you want to live to see your kids’ 12 first steps? (Jeff Ross) 

– Charlie Sheen is to stand up what Larry Flynt is to standing up (Jeff Ross)

– How did you go from being the highest paid tv actor to being the highest actor on tv? (Jeff Ross)

Fortsetter nedenfor promoen med pappaen til Charlie:

– Charlie keeps his credit card beneath his balls to save time (Jeff Ross)

– Oh look, there’s Brooke Mueller, Charlie’s ex: She’s not very bright unless Charlie throws a lamp at her (Jeff Ross)

– You are the new king of comebacks. In fact you fucked more backs than anyone else in Hollywood (Jeff Ross)

– The only reason you got on tv in the first place, is because God hates Michael J. Fox (Anthony Jeselnik)

– I’m 80 years old. Why does it look like we went to college together? (William Shatner)

– Do you know Ashton Kutcher? Nice guy, I went to high school with his wife (William Shatner)

– I respect Charlie Sheen. Not his body of work, it’s all been like «yeah really?» It’s all been very Christian Slater-ish. He sucks but he’s good but he sucks at the same time (Patrice O’Neal)
– You’re just like Bruce Willis: You were big in the 80’s, but now all
your old slots is being filled with Ashton Kutcher (Amy Schumer) 

Sagt til Mike Tyson:

– I’m sorry for drinking all the blood out of your Tiger, I was going through a weird phase (Charlie Sheen)

– Not only do you love pigeons, but you talk like one (Jeff Ross)

– After all the faces you bashed in, the one you fucked up the most is your own (Jeff Ross)
– To me, you will allways be the champion. The champion of having more shit on your face than Seal (Anthony Jeselnik)

– You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face (Amy Schumer)

Sagt til Kate Walsh:

– I don’t know anyone who watches your show. Because I date women who can still get their period (Charlie Sheen)

Sagt til William Shatner (ca. 80 år):

– The only reason William is here, is that I needed some clean urin. I had to wring it out of his diaper, but it did the job (Charlie Sheen)

Sagt til Steve-O:

– Here’s some free advice Steve-O: Don’t give up your suicide (Anthony Jeselnik)

– That’s what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted (Seth MacFarlane)

Sagt til Patrice O’Neal:

– Why is Mike Tysons mother here? (Charlie Sheen)

– You look like you deepfry your hands before you bite your fingernails (Anthony Jeselnik)

LOL fra #WIN-erens gullgruve:
– I’ve hung around with many shady people through the years: Loosers, drug addicts, dealers, desparate whores. But to have you all here on one night is really special (Charlie Sheen)

– The first word I say in the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is «drugs». I thought they asked me how I wanted to get paid (Charlie Sheen)

NB! Sitatene er ca. 97% ordrett gjengitt.

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